The date that will now be forever fixed in my mind is March 30, 2020, when my oldest child attempted to take her life.
As I followed the ambulance in my car, Leanna Crawford’s song “Truth I’m Standing On” came on the radio. It expressed what I was feeling:
Scared, oh, I thought I knew scared
But I’m so filled with fear
I can barely move
Doubts, I’ve had my share of doubt
But never more than right now
I’m wondering, where are You
I’m on the edge of fall apart
But somehow Your promises
Find my troubled heart
I felt alone. I feared losing my daughter. I feared the days ahead. I knew my husband would be moving out soon. I knew our three children would become my full-time responsibility while I was working as a Clinical Psychologist for the University of Florida. I couldn’t fathom how this was going to work out. Honestly, I felt God had abandoned me to focus His attention elsewhere.
Again, the song spoke to my fears:
This is the Truth I’m standing on
Even when all my strength is gone
You are faithful forever
And I know You’ll never
Let me fall
Right now I’m choosing to believe
Someday soon I’ll look back and see
All the pain had a purpose
Your plan was perfect all along
This is the Truth I’m standing on
God had not abandoned me. What ended up unfolding in my life over the next 15 months was enough to write a book about the faithfulness, goodness, and provision of God, but in this essay, I hope to highlight only a few.
The incident on March 30, 2020, was the first of many subsequent similar incidents. As I write this, God hasn’t delivered my daughter from her struggles. However, in every instance, God intervened to keep her safe. A bed in the inpatient unit would unexpectedly become available. The money to provide for treatment came in when it was needed. My parents moved to be close to me, to lend a helping hand. Faculty friends and my church family rallied to pray for my family, furnish meals, and arrange for childcare. How beautiful are the hands and feet of our Savior!
I have often questioned my ability to be a witness. As I dug into God’s Word, it dawned on me that the stories – the good, the bad, and the ugly in the Bible – inspire us to tell our stories as well. The Spirit began to work in my heart, urging me to tell my story to glorify God and to help others. I took to Facebook (the only social media outlet I am on) to tell my story: the struggles with my daughter, my divorce, and the burdens of being a full-time working single mother of three children with their unique challenges.
The support that poured in blew me away; I think I know why. While telling my story, I’m telling God’s story of redemption. Through Jesus, we have redemption; we have hope; and we have a future with no tears and no pain. For now, our pain and suffering do have a purpose.
We live in a culture that attempts to sugarcoat this difficult life we live or alternatively boasts about our ability to overcome whatever life throws at us. But stories of redemption are about messed-up people and a great Savior. This is the truth I’m standing on
Jill A. Sutton
University of Florida